{"id":3714,"date":"2014-08-15T17:10:32","date_gmt":"2014-08-15T17:10:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.africlub.net\/awdf\/?p=3714"},"modified":"2014-08-15T17:10:32","modified_gmt":"2014-08-15T17:10:32","slug":"you-have-to-be-a-selfish-woman","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/awdf.org\/OldSite\/you-have-to-be-a-selfish-woman\/","title":{"rendered":"You have to be a selfish woman"},"content":{"rendered":"

Ma\u2019ami,<\/p>\n

you would love these women.<\/p>\n

Maybe not at first,<\/p>\n

maybe not all at once,<\/p>\n

but oh, you would love them.<\/p>\n

They would speak to your heart<\/p>\n

and<\/p>\n

the things you wouldn\u2019t say<\/p>\n

couldn\u2019t say?<\/p>\n

Like \u201cmaybe I should have left my husband.\u201d<\/p>\n

Maybe I should have loved myself enough<\/p>\n

To say, out loud, because it is important:<\/p>\n

\u201cI married a wonderful man,<\/p>\n

but the wonder didn\u2019t last.\u201d<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They would celebrate you<\/p>\n

and hug you out of the dark places<\/p>\n

where you hid your doubts about a faithful God<\/p>\n

Your questions about a faithless man<\/p>\n

Your prayers for your straying children<\/p>\n

Your tears at four a.m<\/p>\n

and five a.m<\/p>\n

and eleven p.m<\/p>\n

and midnight.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

They would tell you<\/p>\n

\u201cah, mama, you look amazing today!\u201d<\/p>\n

Or, \u201ctake that trip, mama,<\/p>\n

it will teach you what deserving is.\u201d<\/p>\n

You deserve – peace in the home you built<\/p>\n

with your own two hands<\/p>\n

The joy of your grandchildrens\u2019 laughter<\/p>\n

A good husband<\/p>\n

Or at least, a better one than<\/p>\n

the wonderful man you married<\/p>\n

loved, fed, clothed – stayed with.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I have questions, ma\u2019ami.<\/p>\n

Why did you stay?<\/p>\n

Did you not have sisters<\/p>\n

to hold you as you shocked yourself with your own tears?<\/p>\n

Did no one tell you;<\/p>\n

this is where you can go<\/p>\n

When none of the children pouring off the playground<\/p>\n

at pick-up<\/p>\n

are yours<\/p>\n

because your husband has stolen them?<\/p>\n

Where were your sisters<\/p>\n

to teach you how<\/p>\n

you sweep up the dust,<\/p>\n

throw out the trash<\/p>\n

that a kicked-out man will leave?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I have so many questions, ma\u2019ami.<\/p>\n

There is so much I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n

Why did they leave you alone?<\/p>\n

These big-talking, prayer-hawking<\/p>\n

women who claimed your strength<\/p>\n

was enough excuse.<\/p>\n

Where were they?<\/p>\n

At this point:<\/p>\n

wry laughter over longer hair<\/p>\n

from cracked skull and month-long hospital stay.<\/p>\n

Or this:<\/p>\n

office-opening in Central Business District<\/p>\n

and \u2018Head-of-Firm\u2019 on the door.<\/p>\n

Did they love you at all?<\/p>\n

Who did they think was holding your hand?<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

I have things I want to tell you, ma\u2019ami.<\/p>\n

Do you recognise the woman I\u2019m becoming?<\/p>\n

I would hold your hand now.<\/p>\n

Do you see how your granddaughter laughs?<\/p>\n

She will ask me about you<\/p>\n

And I will hug her and tell her<\/p>\n

at first, easy things, like<\/p>\n

how I saw your face<\/p>\n

In these women, in this place.<\/p>\n

How it made me wish you were still here,<\/p>\n

so I could be the one who finally told you:<\/p>\n

You have to be more than a good woman, ma\u2019ami<\/p>\n

You have to be a selfish woman<\/p>\n

and this is how…<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

This work was developed during the African Women\u2019s Development Fund and Femrite African Women Creative Non-Fiction Writing Workshop in Uganda, July 2014.<\/em><\/p>\n

\"Timeyin<\/a>
Timeyin Adegbeye performing at the AWDF & FEMRITE public dialogue held in Kampala, Uganda on the 30th of July 2014<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Ma\u2019ami, you would love these women. Maybe not at first, maybe not all at once, but oh, you would love them. They would speak to your heart and the things you wouldn\u2019t say couldn\u2019t say? Like \u201cmaybe I should have left my husband.\u201d Maybe I should have loved myself enough To say, out loud, because […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[334,335,223,336,210],"class_list":["post-3714","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-blog","tag-workshop","tag-mum","tag-poetry","tag-timeyin","tag-writing"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nYou have to be a selfish woman - The African Women's Development Fund (AWDF)<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/awdf.org\/OldSite\/you-have-to-be-a-selfish-woman\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"You have to be a selfish woman - The African Women's Development Fund (AWDF)\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Ma\u2019ami, you would love these women. 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